I have a friend whom I love dearly but let's face it, she is a drama queen. Everything she does is magnified 10x in her mind. Its hard to have a draining friend like this. I mean it she is a great person who is going through a very rough time with a divorce. It is difficult for me to deal with as I have just started a family of my own and she wants me to constantly solve her problems. even calling me in the middle of the night asking "should i go to YOUR parents house and stay there because I don't want to wake up my dad?" It is very hard for me to handle because I dont' know where to ask her to go for help, as I think she really needs some professional assistance. she is not eating and not sleeping, and she has very bad anxiety, her regular doctor (not psychiatric) told her she just has general anxiety, but it is so extreme, she has even pulled over on a busy highway and called a medic because she thought she was having a heart attack. I am at wits end, she needs help what do I do?
Drama queen friend issue? need advice please.?
So sorry you're dealing with this emotional vampire. You are probably the only friend she has, and therefore you feel like you're the only one she can reach out to, but trust me, she probably has plenty of people she has already driven off with her behavior.
Just take a deep breath and keep telling yourself, "I am not responsible for this emotional vampire. I will not get sucked in to her drama at the risk of my own health, relationships, and emotional well being."
If your husband hasn't said anything about her so far, he deserves to be sainted, as the middle of the night phone calls are completely inappropriate, unless someone is the hospital or jail.
You need to help her by helping yourself first. Set up boundaries with her and stick to them. Tell her you will not accept phone calls, except in case of emergency, after 9:00 p.m. Then explain to her that unless it involves a trip to the emergency room, it does not constitute an emergency. If she calls after 9:00, ask her what the issue is, and if it's not an emergency, tell her you're sorry, but it's family time and she will have to call you back after 10:00 a.m. (or whatever time YOU establish), then hang up. If she calls back, don't answer. Turn the ringer off if you have to.
Establish emotional boundaries with her as well. Tell her you are not a trained psychologist, so any advice you give her could be damaging, and you don't feel qualified to solve her problems. Tell her that her behavior is draining you, and point out to her that she's a drama queen. Ask her to take notice of the people around her and see if they react to things the same way she does. Then tell her you'll be happy to socialize with her as a friend, but you are not her counselor, and if she starts bumming you out, you're going to change the subject or flat out leave, and stick to it. YOU decide when you've had enough..not her.
Tell her the story of the boy who cried 'wolf.' Anxiety is a horrible thing to live with, but anyone who has loved someone with emotional issues can tell you that it can be crushing to have to bear someone else's burdens.
You are NOT qualified to help her other than providing emotional support, and she requires a lot more than you are humanly capable of giving.
Your best bet is to practice tough love and distance yourself from her, lest you get sucked in to more of her drama.
Reply:cut her loose, you can't help her.
Reply:You cannot help her but you can stop enabling her. She is feeding her fantasy life by having drama by proxy with you. She needs help and you must tell her that plain and simple. Tell her you love her (if you do) and then tellher that you are worried about her because......like she is not eating and sleeping unhealthy habits whatever. Tell her that while you will always be there for her, this is beyond you and you have little you can offer because of your responsibilities, child, distance blah blah. You want her to get help, real professional help and she needs to seriously consider doing this as soon as possible. Tell her just like that so that she can focus on your words and not cut away to sidetrack land. Most of this drama is about attention and how to get and keep it so be perpared for a dramatic and traumatic response but you just tell her that is exactly what you mean that these outbursts cannot be healthy and she needs to seek help. Time for Tough Love here honey, Good Luck
Reply:You sound like a mature and nice person, and if you care so much about your friend you should have a long, honest chat with her.
Tell her how you feel, and tell her that although you'd love to help her out more, you cannot. You have your own life to live, and her actions are stressing you out and have leaked into your personal life as well.
True friends are honest with each other; and this sometimes is tricky to deal with. But if you have known each other for so long now, I really think you are entitled to having her understand your position -and hopefully she will "get it".
Give her clear examples of how she has affected your schedule or lifestyle. For example, calling you in the middle of the night is not something you do on a regular basis; this is just for emergencies!
Tell her you are worried about her, and that she should take care of herself and not lose her health on top of everything. She should go to therapy or counseling ASAP. (A trained professional can help her deal with her issues and feelings better than you can, so try to convince her to go for her own sake and well-being.)
Finally, please remember she is an adult, and you cannot change other people. You cannot force her to seek help or eat better; she has to WANT to accept help in order to get better. If you have enough closeness with her family, you might talk to them and explain that you are worried about her and why. They are her family, and they should be willing to step in and help her.
And be careful, too. She might try to blackmail you (emotionally) and you will have to be on your toes. She could tell you you are not being a good friend, etc, etc, but that is not true. She has to pay the price for the decisions she took; and blaming others is an immature thing to do.
So don't fall for it and understand that you need to set limits and boundaries...or else, you will continue to feel this way for a long time.
Good luck.
Reply:you need to say all this to her, its obvious she needs help but is she the type you can say that to?gently explain to her that she cant keep relying on you all the time, you have a small child and they are your main priority, it doesnt sound like she has anyone else to turn to
Reply:Suggest she find a divorce support group and maybe speak to a therapist. This is bigger than you.
Reply:If you don't resolve this, it will happen in another form to you until you do.
The lesson here is to discover how to say no to someone you love even when they are in need. You are learning when enough is enough and that you HAVE to come first so that your life succeeds.
We must not give until we ourselves are depleted.
Tell her you love her, that you have tried to be there for her, but she is out of control and her problem is becoming YOUR problem.
If you don't communicate with her about this honestly it will turn into resentment. Face it head on and take care of business.
Tell her you don't want her going to your parent's place. Tell her you don't want her phoning you in the middle of the night. Tell her you already have your hands full with your family. Then tell her you feel very strongly that she should call a help line for advice. (she should!)
Nomatter how much we care about someone we must not make ourselves available to them 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It is selfish of them to expect that and it is ridiculous of us to DO it.
You are not being a bad friend to her by doing this. You are actually helping her. You don't have the credentials to solve her problems and even still, if you did, it is up to her to solve her own problems, prompted by a professional.
The mistake you make is at the beginning. Your heart melts and she is all over you like a wet puppy. If this happens again, say something like, "Gee I wish I could help you but I really have my hands full with life at the moment. I think you should call someone who knows about this kind of thing and can direct you properly. Let me know how it works out."
Stand firm. It will be a weight off your back.
We can't give give give without exhausting ourselves. You aren't superwoman.
Bless your heart I bet you are a loving mom.
Reply:Thinking she is having a heart attack is usually a symptom of a panic attack due to anxiety. However, you need to talk to your friend also about depression as well. Having a broken relationship/divorce can be a torturous feeling. Your heart aches and you want to feel better but it takes time. I have been in that boat before with relationships and not a divorce. I can only imagine it being just as bad.
I have pulled over in traffic when I was feeling badly about flunking in nursing school and a million other negative things happening to run me crazy to call my brother. Whatever you do, when she calls, is listen to her and I know you are tired and drained but please listen to her. We never know when a person is on the brink of giving up. Once, a friend had to stay on the phone with me all night and went to work at 7. I don't know how she did that. Also, it happened to me another time when I was much younger because my fiancee was cheating and called me in the middle of the night to say this girl he worked with said she was pregnant by him. His sister-in-law I called around 3 am and she came from across town to be with me before she went to work. However, these calls happened only once. I helped myself and respected others' schedules and responsibilities. I also have pride about myself that people do get tired. No, do not encourage her to visit your parents because that will be a new route to take. If she does not have insurance, there are some counselors at churches and some free clinics with waiting sometimes.
If she doesn't do this and keeps bugging you, she is not trying to help herself. I would ask her when is her appointment and what is your plan to better the situation after I tell her that I have responsibilities too.
It's hard but sometimes a friend needs us badly and I know you have a little one and live miles away and that is not feasible. However, don't feel bad about what you can't do but do what you can -- listen.
I am also highly concerned because with anxiety comes severe depression plus suicidal feeling and tendency. So think about the following and ask her this question -- Are you having suicidal thoughts or harming you or anyone else?
No, it does not put a notion in her mind to do this but to be frank w/ you so you will know at least how far she is in these feelings. Also, listen to her conversation and don't take it for granted when she mentions something like I want to kill myself and some other things. I had a friend who did commit suicide because her husband was dogging and cheating on her. A lovely woman and I never knew she was going through thoughts of suicide and problems until a co-worker mentioned it to me shortly before her death. We were waiting for her to come into town to have lunch as she promised, instead she gave up.
Does she give away items that are her favorite?
Does she talk about stuff like making a will or eternity?
It might sound mean but we ask persons this when they come for psych measures and in the hospital, we don't take those talks lightly.
Encourage her to seek more counseling by professions; psychiatric treatments; etc. She might need to take a little something to get over this phase and people do all the time. It doesn't make a person a wimp; it's just to help them get through this. I used to feel that if I needed drugs I was going to be an abuser or a lunatic but that's not true. Once, I went to the hospital and admitted myself in for 5 days. Afterwards, I went to a day treatment program called the partial hospital plan because it's cheaper for the insurance companies. It has to be a referral though.
Please listen to her and maybe if you have a mutual friend ask your girlfriend if it is ok to have a person she trusts to share with you the listening and encouragement. Sounds like she needs to be referred to a support group for divorcees.
You are a good friend but we all can get tired when we have our responsibilities plus extra. Being a new mom is not easy even if you don't have this going on with a friend. On the other hand, she has to want to help herself you can't do it for her. So, do what you can and that's all you can.
God Bless you and I will pray for you and your friend
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